The words contained within these pages may only ever make sense to two individuals.

And even they could not make sense of it all.

The Long Haul

2/12/21

The air glistens as if sprinkled with some kind of fairy dust. The outside light seeping in with prospects of a new day, a beautiful beginning. To be lost in the arms of a lover, squeezed so tightly you can barely breathe. Enthralled in conversations about the big blue, the wide-open greens and the vast deserts. All things that allude to a sense of foreverness.

Does this mean we're destined to be entangled for the long haul?

Self Sabotage

12/12/21

Why do you always aim to ruin yourself?

When your body is healthy you starve it … or place your fingers deep down your esophagus, nails scraping the back of your throat. With the intention of doing what?

Punishing yourself. But why? 

Why? Why do you have this deeply rooted motivation to achieve the best out of life and then seek to tear it down.

Relationship after relationship,

friend after friend,

opportunity after opportunity.

Who told this little girl that she wasn't good enough—

And never will be enough.

So she drinks. Until there is nothing more left to drink. She cries. Until there’s no more tears to weep. She thrashes her body, brutalising herself until she feels numb. All for what?

To destroy herself.

Chest Pains

15/12/21

Waking up with pains shooting through your chest. As you barely can take anything more than shallow breaths. You toss and turn, in an effort to find someone who is no longer there. The empty space. The longingness to share your thoughts and feelings throughout the day with another, who no longer exists (in that way) is the most dreadful part.

Space and time apart are necessary, you assure yourself, because

“...you have to grow and love alone before you can grow and love together”.

FUCK

15/12/21

FUCK ME, I REALLY LOVE HIM!

But it is horrible that in this absence of love is when I have become more certain than I have ever been. FUCK!

Authenticity and Honesty

15/12/21

I am manifesting that through this period of self-love and development that we can reignite the fiery passion that never ceased to exist through an honest and authentic companionship.

Our most authentic selves are the people we originally fell in love with.

People full of passion, drive and curiosity. People who wanted to adventure together and alone. Although always filled with the desire to reconnect again and bask in each other’s experience.

The Universe Listens

16/12/21

The universe listens.

I shouted at it, screamed my deepest darkest flaws and my desperate desires.

The universe listens.

It has gifted me this space to take care of myself and grow.

The universe listens.

Through tears and mourning it gave me a fairy wren, which told me our journey isn’t over.

The universe listens.

It is not a desperate desire for what was, or a delusional hope. It is the unnerving and undying passion and love for each other that will reunite us.

…

I still feel addicted to your life, hoping to hear of all the wonderful adventures you go on. Wishing you have the same innate desire I battle daily, to want to call you and tell you every excruciating detail of my existence.

…

Chaos

20/12/21

Chaos surrounds me, as if a tornado was ripping through my home and heart. Dismantling, discombobulating and disturbing my soul.

But I will heal myself once the rain clears and rebuild a better entity than before.

I will be unshakable. I am unshakable.

An Unlove Story

20/12/21

He is perched next to me on the bus seat, so incredibly close. His leg presses against mine, shoulder to shoulder. And all I want is some space to breathe. He wraps his fingers around my loosely held hand, stroking it with such care and adoration. He is talking to me. Trying all attempts to catch my eyes, but I could not tell you a single word that he muttered in my ear. I was so focused, fixated on the horizon, as the sun shone and began to light up the city towers. I found myself lost in thoughts of wonder.

Are they looking at the same rising sun as I?

He places his head onto my shoulder so carefully as if not to hurt this fragile creature, and all I can feel is an urge of repulsion. One that wants to scream at this kind boy, “don’t touch me!”

He is speaking of the wonderful sleep we will soon fall into together and it makes me yearn to fall into the arms of them. The thought of him holding me the way that they do gives a sudden and real sense of nauseousness.

He invites me to meet his mum over lunch the next day and I wonder why this man seems to want to grasp onto any essence of me so tightly, when they merely cannot.

Despite having an unconditional and passionate love for me.

“How could they so easily let me go?” he asked as if he couldn’t comprehend the prospect of not having me in his life, despite only meeting tonight.

Yes, we had a beautiful adventure. Yes, we followed our desires and plenty of drinks. Jumping from place to place. And yes, if I closed my eyes it almost felt like them.

But no one will ever be them.

…

To fit so perfectly in the slope of you and feel your undying love for me, would change my world.

…

Waking Up

21/12/21 @ 4am

Waking up in the middle of the night from a bad dream, to roll over and find that it wasn’t just a dream. Has got to be the worst feeling I’ve ever gotten to know.

Sad Infomercials

21/12/21

I’ve run as far I can to a place where I can think freely.

I sit at a cafe reading my book when I become parched. I rise from my chair and wander inside, and have a pleasant conversation with the waitress. Walking back to the table, the crackly tv in the corner of this small-town coffee shop catches my eye. It plays a set of infomercials.

I stop and stare. Lost, in a whirlwind of hidden memories. Of the promises, of the plans, of our future.

And a tear draws a line down my cheek.

…

He leans over and begins to kiss me. So tentatively and so lovingly. No one has ever touched me or looked at me the way he does.

Throughout our passion, his shuffle presents us with a song depicting finding the feeling of home.

And that’s when I fell in love.

…

Voice Memos

22/12/21

I press play, on the first message you sent me. The nervous cracks in your voice, although the air of ‘attempting to remain calm and cool’, draws tears down my face.

Listening to those messages again in the same position as I was when I first heard them, horizontal and aching to be loved, only with a whole life in between.

Notions and promises of the people we are and the experiences we could give to each other were only superseded.

When I first heard your voice I had a funny feeling that something amazing was going to come out of our crossing of paths. Little did I know how much joy, passion and at times growth, through the supporting of each other's sorrows, there would be.

I never knew that the man behind that voice would teach me how to love, show me compassion and adoration that I had never been graced before.

Most importantly to the man who I didn't think spoke English, thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable again.

A Neighbour in Pain

22/12/21

She appeared seemingly out of nowhere. Acting as if she has been here all along. She moves and acts in a way of faux happiness. Maintaining some kind of upbeat nature for the sake of someone else. Maybe even to fool herself?

The more I watch her in passing moments, the cracks begin to appear.

When she first arrived she walked to the beach, draped in flowing skirts and scantily cut bikinis. Always carrying a book of the ‘self-help’ description.

A couple days later, I heard her from my balcony playing rambunctiously sad songs on the guitar. Always singing passionately out of tune.

Early one morning, I hear someone running down the stairs. I look through the peephole to see it’s the woman. This time in shambles of unbrushed hair, baggy shirt and mismatch shorts. She is rushing, but where? At this time? Her light seemed … to match the early morning sky. Grey with glimmers of hope.

I walk out to the clothesline later in the day to find that she has found a perch beneath it. She lays in the sun with bloodshot eyes and damp cheeks. As she murmurs sternly but lovingly, to what appears to be a dragonfly.

The last I have seen of her, she was aimlessly flailing punches into a boxing bag, in another's garage. Accompanied by strange grunts and abrupt screams.

Now I only hear weeping drifting through the wind. Into my kitchen window.

Oh how beautiful is her sorrow.

Kissed through the Rain

23/12/21

Walking amongst the rising sun, I take deep breaths of salt infused air. Having another of my more frequent and more passionate chats with the universe.

It begins to sprinkle, getting a little heavier with every step I take. Bringing up the overwhelming feeling of love, passion and connection I felt with him.

I felt blessed this morning as he kissed me through the rain.

…

When he hurts, I hurt. And I’m hurting.

…

Slumber

26/12/21

My heart is pounding out of my chest, but not in the usual heart wrenching way. It’s in an overwhelming state of sensations.

I felt his touch again. His arms are both soft with care, but wrapping tight not wanting to let go, for fear of losing me.

His soft skin grazed mine, so effortlessly. His lips felt like home.

The combination of all these vulnerable elements that made up our connection, take hold of my brain. Losing myself in him, like no time has passed.

Our souls entangled, I reached a climax.

Only to be awoken by the thumping of my heart, still in the elation that is he. Slowly as consciousness creeps in, dread ensues.

The continuity of the most horrendous game my mind has ever played on me.

Wreaking havoc on my heart every time I reach a state of slumber.

…

I have never felt insecure about how much you love me.

And I never will.

…

Selflessness

27/12/21

In these moments of pure desire to be in his presence. Desire to hear his voice. Desire to be desired by him.

I must refrain from my desperate acts of selfishness. As he is amongst the people and actions he needs to embark upon right now.

And I must not detract from his journey. As much as he is refraining from detracting me from mine.

This is the most selfless love I have ever experienced.

As he comes before me and I before him.

Floating

7/1/22

I wander back to where I am staying for the night, beginning to wish he would be laying in my bed when I arrived.

Although I was met with only empty space.

I shortly after find myself in the pool, in the midst of darkness.

Floating. The stars being the only thing depicting where I am in this world.

I float and I cry.

My tears find themselves lost, amongst the water that surrounds and supports me.

Only this body of water knows how horrifically difficult it is for me to be without his presence.

…

You give and give and give but who is giving anything to you?

If someone did offer some help, reassurance or love. Would you take it?

…

Faith

12/1/22

Faith has always been a funny yet integral part of my life. From the nights as a child praying to god, now to my long chats with the universe.

Either way I've always felt humbled and comforted by the thought of something greater than I am. Thinking otherwise is quite honestly petrifying.

This reignited sense of faith has calmed me throughout my efforts to heal. As I know that what is going to be, will be.

I am in the time, space, place and moment, I need to be in to finally envelope myself in self-love.

I believe in my journey. I believe in myself. I have faith.

…

I can't keep this revelation to myself anymore. I can't keep it in. I love them. And I'm going to combust if I don't tell them.

…

The Departing

1.3.22

We pulled up by the lake.

We wailed, we groaned, we threw entwined fists at each other, never making contact.

Both clinging to a different version of the person who was actually in front of us.

All the while a couple of ducks sat, watched and stayed.

Until the very end.