Percentage Message
Written by Edie Hopgood (she/her) with Mon Barton (she/her)
Naarm
Communication, however, you partake, is an undeniable bonding force in any relationship. From the sacred interactions with your local barista, to fleeting smiles exchanged with strangers on the street, to the celebrations shared with the ones closest to you - Communication is the beating heart that forms the lifeline for any relationship, as menial or as profound as they may be.
Mon, otherwise known as @mons.monday, is lucky enough to share a deeply special connection with her friend Zoe, whom she refers to as her “platonic soulmate.” Mon and I discussed her relationship with Zoe, and how hard they have both worked to form a solid base that has only consolidated their bond.
We shared in conversation and reflection on both our current and past relationships - the good and the bad within these - and ultimately reflected on our experiences with the invaluable perspective that we now hold. This spring boarded a conversation on a method that Mon implements in her and Zoe’s relationship daily, to ensure that the pair are always working to grow their relationship through their daily communication.
This method is called the Percentage Message, a term first coined by the all rounder Brené Brown - a professor, author and podcast host. The general concept of this ‘message,’ revolves around the idea that, as a collective, the objective is to make up a total percentage of 100%. This could mean that one person is at 30% - a clear indication that they are having a rather lousy day - and another is at 70% - and is feeling better for it. Despite reaching 100% being the objective, there may be days where one person is at 20% and another is sitting at 10% - in which, there must be an acknowledgement that you both have a long way to reach 100%.
In essence, this message can be implemented at any time using a symbol - which for Mon and Zoe is the battery emoji - to give each other a percentage out of 100% on where they stand, emotionally, physically, and energetically, in that moment.
“I think a lot of people [are afraid of] having these conversations… either talking about how they feel or asking someone how they're feeling… A lot of that feels really serious and it feels like this long conversation… [but] when you choose your emoji… You can just say – ‘All right, we're on’”.
Mon particularly notes that this does wonders in confronting and dismantling her tendencies for hyper-vigilance – a trait that she has taken time to acknowledge and work through in therapy. “You might be having a bad day and you go to lean on someone for support and they might be having a bad day, or they might be overwhelmed and they don't have space for you... Hyper-vigilance can [make you think] ‘Oh my God that’s such a short message’ or ‘they don't want to talk to me’ – [this] just eradicates all of that anxiety and … it's just such a quick easy way to be like ‘OK cool this is where we're both at”.
This stresses just how powerful it is to have a perception of where you are both sitting at any given time. Being able to acknowledge the discrepancies between your percentages allows ease in distributing support for each other - where and when you can.
This message operates differently in every relationship, and Mon stresses that it is important to remember, not everyone is always looking to talk about what is going on in their life – even if they are leaning on you for support.
This message is more often than not used intuitively for Zoe and Mon – for example, according to Mon, “if you're feeling really bad and need your bestie.” For Mon, she says it also “helps [them] … to feel thought of, even if [they’re] both having busy days. It's like ‘I've had a big day but it's the end of the day and I'm still here for you and I still want to hear about your day’”.
“It’s just really about making time and effort and space for each other whether it's like a grand gesture or small gesture… We want to make space for each other so we will find a time to do that together… It’s been such a beautiful experience having a friendship like this … and it takes effort… It’s the same as a real relationship… We set the standard for each other”.
“We both know that our relationship adds value to our life, it doesn't take, and so… we both know that we have our lives, and our lives are rich and abundant and beautiful and then our relationship is this amazing bonus on top…. We're not [going to] lose ourselves trying to make this friendship work because it works so effortlessly”.
In life, love and friendship, Mon personally follows the mantra “season, reason, lifetime”. Once you use this lens, Mon says that it is “way easier to let people go when they're ready to go out of your life,” but also helps to show which seeds to water and nurture in order for them to blossom.
This mindset is similar to that of my own when navigating new relationships and pondering old and dissipated connections, as it relieves a lot of the pressure and expectations on the relationships that you may carry throughout your life.
There are people, that at one point in my life, I was inseparable with to which I don’t even speak anymore. This can be a sobering and vulnerable experience, but upon reflection, this mindset allows me to appreciate that we are just at different places in our lives now. There are often negative connotations attached to what are usually just drifted relationships. Mon believes this comes down to the level of “comfortability within yourself” – something that she claims to have had to work on a lot personally.
Mon stresses that it is important to remember that “everyone is so different, and you can't expect people to communicate or love or share or whatever at the same level as you”. She feels lucky to have met Zoe because they are “on the same level in so many ways” - and that's why their connection and the percentage message work to strengthen their relationship every day.
Mon, overall, stresses that it is “[such a] good starting point for anyone who’s in a relationship and wants to learn how to better communicate their feelings.” The message operates as a “really good entry-level approach to opening up a dialogue” with a partner, friend, or family member, especially if you are often more of a closed book.
Who knows, implementing this in your life could lead to communication in your relationships in the same way that it led my conversation with Mon – to a beautiful discussion of boundaries, expectations, and a reflection on how your relationships offer or have offered meaning to your life.