My First Breakup

Until the ripe old age of nine, my public bathroom experiences all worked the same. My mum would hold my hand as we entered the women’s bathroom, and she would wait for me outside the cubicle.

This seemed perfectly normal to me and I enjoyed the old women who would exclaim how adorable I was. A week after I turned nine years old, my mum and I went to the local supermarket.

As I headed into the women's bathroom, she turned to me and said calmly, “Oh Theo, you’re old enough to go to the men’s now. The women will think you are a creep!”.

With a rush of adrenaline brought on by this newfound independence, I entered the men’s bathroom but immediately felt my enthusiasm slip away. The disgusting stench of urine almost made me faint and the men at the urinals peeing in their manly way sent me a very strong message that I did not belong there. For years after that, I attempted to convince myself that one day, I would grow up to be one of those manly men who could pee in a manly way, however deep down I always knew that wasn’t true. 

On the 19th of March 2021, at 15 years and five months old I ended my first relationship. This very toxic 15-year long relationship was not with a particular person but with the male gender, as I came out as non-binary.

Ending a toxic relationship is difficult because you know that it is best for your mental health however letting go of someone you lived with for years is hard. I found the past 16 years to be difficult as a man because I never really felt like one.

The title of Mr and Mister on my passport and NAPLAN never felt right.

Sleeping in the boys’ cabin on school camp never felt right.

Having a bar mitzvah never felt right.

The way my body looked never felt right.

For years it felt like there was a switch that needed to be flicked and on Friday the 19th of March I finally found that switch, and I yanked it.

 Non-binary or Genderqueer refers to a spectrum of people who are not male or female. The way I like to see my non-binary-ism is that there are people who exist that are female or male, and then there’s me, completely removed from that binary.

There are a multitude of reasons to explain my breakup, but I believe there were three main aspects: body, male spaces, and the Me Too movement. I never particularly liked my body, especially from the age of 12.

I brushed this off as my teenage self being body negative but when further analysing that now I really should have picked up the whole non-binary thing.

I didn’t like my genitals.

It's not like they were too small or too big.

I just didn’t want them there because they felt so grossly, intrinsically tied to this idea of masculinity and peeing in a manly way.

I’ve always felt uncomfortable in male spaces. I despised being split up from the girls in sport or only doing sex education with the boys. Men screaming slurs at me from across the street certainly doesn’t help. This disdain for being in male-only spaces ties directly to my third reason, the Me Too movement.

Seeing this unfold made and continues to make me feel contempt towards the male gender and although it isn’t all men, it is too many men. This new movement pushed me to further isolate myself from the male gender and truly shoved me to realise I just wasn’t a man.

 As I reflect on my time as a man now, I cannot remember a single good memory that was intrinsically linked to my manhood. This was my first breakup and most likely the hardest breakup I will go through in my life but living with a toxic bomb inside of me for 16 years couldn’t have been manageable for much longer.

My family, friends and school have been incredibly supportive, and I do not think I would have been able to write this story without people such as my mother (I promised I’d redeem her after that opening anecdote).

So, cisgender people, support your non-binary people loved ones.

Allyship is a lifelong journey that you must embark on if you want to keep those people around.

Cover art by @jaygold____ (they/them)