I first started seeing my psychologist at the age of sixteen following a horribly dramatic first romance which brought forward a chasm of anxiety.

It was there in her little cube of a room that she brought forward that, at the centre of all my issues (I am aware there is quite a long list) is the fact that these issues are omnipresent due to my overarching, back bending, bone twisting, limb splitting need to be liked. 

 It sits with me in the car, whilst I talk with friends, when a client calls for work, over dinner with a flat mate and hell it even creeps into conversations with my parents. It’s become completely apparent that in every decision I make I am quizzing the people around me beforehand to see how it affects them prior to committing to the decision myself. 

Furthermore, I’m able to categorise my thoughts on the reactions as though I’m conducting an interview, but the prize is my loyalty and I come in quite annoyingly because I’m putting everyone else’s opinions on a platter and serving it up before tasting it myself. 

 It’s interesting because I think most of my friends when asked about me would tell you that I’m [incredibly] opinionated and outspoken and this isn’t far from the truth but it’s the intricate behaviours behind my loud voice that are quickly missed if not being paid to unpack them. These are what my therapist calls; surrendering, avoiding and my personal favourite; over compensating. 

                          . 

 Fast track five and a half years and I’m still with that same psychologist.

 At 21, it’s the longest standing relationship I’ve held (well aware of the transaction at hand, I digress) and we’re still unpacking the same issues. 

Albeit, they’ve transformed and grown, just as I have,  but I can’t neglect the fact that these issues have shape shifted with me. 

For the sake of getting my pea-brain to comprehend the issue at large, she [therapist] was able to condense these issues into digestible picture-book like content headings; 

Denying emotions

Seeking reassurance from friends 

Speaking up for myself

 It’s a super interesting list in my opinion because you’d think post high school, I’d have regulated these habits, but unfortunately my dreams of all issues being removed once I hit the ripe age of eighteen was incredibly innocent and miscalculated. I recently moved out of home given these issues were perpetuating into fights with my Mum where I would seek guidance given, she’s my best friend and senior, then upon providing me with her opinion I’d act out not hearing what I wanted to hear, even though I haven’t taken the time to know exactly what it is I wanted to hear. 

I so greatly placed the pressure on loved ones to provide me with guiding light through issues I face, big and small, but neglect to take the time to figure out how it is I feel about them myself. 

I’m the type of person to spread myself thin giving my all to the problems of those around me that I neglect my own without reason. A really important friendship of mine has since gone mute because I came to the realisation that I was creating ample space for them to heard but diminishing my own problems and voice within the process. 

It was only then did my therapist pose the question;

 What is it exactly you need from a relationship? 

I genuinely had no answer

 I have spent so much time assessing the needs of those around me, stretching myself thin to all my friends to ensure they were heard, that I neglected the boundaries essential to me and my own needs. Like all lifeforms, these things take nurturing and time. I have since started choosing films for my housemates and I to watch and refuse to once offer to change it if they’re not liking it.

I like the film, they’re keen to watch it, if they don’t laugh when I don’t laugh that doesn’t mean they are quietly conspiring to change the film, and If they are this is beyond my control and business. 

It’s in the small things like choosing what to eat for dinner, and what bar we should go to instead of sticking to the sidelines and allowing someone to make the decision for me. I’m well aware that dynamics are at play and sometimes it’s easier to have a decision made for you, and in the big scheme of things these are the little things but it’s the little things that build character blocks in your favourite plot. 

 It’s the choice of music you make in a long car ride down the coast where you just want to hear a Lana del Rey song and no one else does.

It’s ok to say what you want and when you want it. It’s okay to make a decision that someone might not like because these are the little idiosyncrasies that make us all individuals and loved by those who have chosen to be around you. 

It’s okay to have an opinion that differs to those around you and its okay to vocalise that in a way that is not dismissive and belittling of your peers.

 We are all placed on this earth to be heard, and boundaries are the ties that keep you with the people you love without giving or taking up too much space. 

 With that being said, I'm off to go suggest My Big Fat Greek Wedding for this Saturday’s movie night for a second weekend in a row and I'm not going to feel one ounce of shame about it.