Chasing Butterflies

They’re getting to the part where he’s going to kiss her. She thinks. Maddie is a little torn-up inside – doubts about an overinflated ego and girl-meets-boy assumptions are clashing with the idea that it really could be that simple and Nick does like her.

Even though Maddie knows what is going to happen – what she wants to happen – she can’t quite bring herself to look at him head-on anymore. Nerves squirm in her gut. Maybe these are the butterflies.

They’re leaning side by side against a wall in the empty kitchen. Nick has bent down closer to her so they can hear each other better over the vibrating music and occasional muffled laughter coming from the lounge room. They’re pressed so close together Maddie can feel the hair on his arms brush up against her bare skin when he shifts his weight. It reminds her of phantom insects crawling along her arm, but nicer, somehow. Maddie keeps glancing at him out of the corner of her eye but talks to the fridge.

They quickly got through the usual beats of work and uni – Maddie learnt Nick has been with Bunnings for the last few years while studying psychology, and she gave her own rundown of the third year of her teaching degree and its various work placements. Their conversation has since made its way to the topic of nostalgic board games.

Nick is nice-looking. She decided this back when they first started chatting and Maddie was still mostly able to look him in the face. Very tall, thick eyebrows, a wide smile. Nick smiles at Maddie like he likes her. She likes that – likes that he seems to think she is pretty and interesting and maybe someone to kiss. The butterflies flare up and her cheeks get warm.

As he explains his house rules for Uno, Maddie tells herself that she is ready. She turns her head and looks at Nick properly for the first time since they entered the kitchen. He’s already looking at her. She almost can’t believe she is actually about to kiss someone. Maddie wonders what it will be like, whether she’ll like it. She wonders if it will mean something. Nick’s smile turns shy as he trails off, and he shifts to stand in front of her.

‘Hey, Maddie? Um, can I kiss you?’

Her stomach clenches as she smiles shyly back. ‘Uh, yeah. Cool. I’d like that.’

And then, it’s happening. His long fingers cup her jaw and Nick ducks down to meet her face with his own. Maddie closes her eyes because she’s pretty sure that’s what you’re meant to do.

His lips are on hers and it’s a little weird. They aren’t slobbery or anything, just kind of spongy. Maddie supposes they feel like how you might expect another person’s lips to feel. She breathes shallowly through her nose. One of her hands hovers near his elbow while the other is pressed between her back and the wall. Loose strands of hair are sticking to the sweaty back of her neck. Is Nick also enjoying the kiss? Maddie presses her face to his and hopes for the best.

After what is probably not very long at all, she pulls back and lets out a breath that sounds more like a giggle. She is still guessing at what comes next when he leans in for a second time.

This kiss is firmer, like Nick is feeling more confident for the both of them. Maddie tries to match his movements, mapping out their mouths and noses and chins in her head. Soon she is pulling away again and she stares past his shoulder at some receipts stuck to the fridge with colourful magnets.

Maddie is suddenly sure that she doesn’t want to kiss anyone again tonight. Is that rude? She doesn’t want to hurt Nick’s feelings – or piss him off. The butterflies are properly swarming now, and she lets out another breathless laugh as she thinks of what to say.

‘Thank you.’ Nick looks gently amused and Maddie feels her face burn. ‘I mean, it was nice kissing you! But I think I’d like to leave it there, if that’s okay with you. Not because you’re a bad kisser or anything! I just – I really liked talking to you before, and I’d like to do more of that instead, maybe.’

Nick seems a bit flustered as well, but he nods as he easily moves out of her space back to his original spot against the wall. His smile is still nice. ‘No worries. We can do talking. I, uh, liked talking with you too.’

Maddie can’t help feeling a little off kilter still, but she decides to take Nick at his word and moves on with the conversation. Some of the butterflies settle, just a couple, with the relief that nothing bad is about to happen.

She hasn’t stopped buzzing by the time Ananya wanders in for a glass of water, so Maddie welcomes the interruption and lets her lead them back into the lounge room with the rest of the party. Maddie really enjoyed chatting with Nick, but she needs a break from being someone’s sole focus. It turns out the noise and chaos of the bigger group aren’t much better. Her energy seeps right out of her, so she texts her sibling and asks xem to pick her up early.

Maddie takes advantage of the next twenty minutes of waiting to get through her rounds of goodbyes and we-have-to-catch-up-soons, trying to find the right moment to break into each conversation. She even goes right up to Nick to let him know she’s heading off. There’s a slightly too-long pause as she tries to see if he wants to go in for a hug or not. She ends up pulling out some finger guns before turning away with a grimace and slipping out the front door.

‘Hey,’ Maddie says as she climbs into their mum’s borrowed car. ‘Thanks for coming to get me.’

‘No stress. It’ll be your turn again soon.’ River checks that Maddie is all settled in before xe flicks on the blinker and pulls away from the kerb. ‘Did you have a good time?’

‘Yeah! I’m glad I went.’ Maddie pauses, not sure what to say next. She’s a little giddy with the idea of telling someone about what happened at the party, about the kiss, but at the same time she feels like she can’t bring it up just yet. ‘Did you end up watching that gay rom-com you were telling me about?’

River launches into an enthusiastic description of the movie xe watched while Maddie was out and she nods along. A red P plate clings valiantly to the last suction cup left on the windshield, flapping against the glass as River takes the roundabouts with unnerving confidence. While xe rambles, she can’t help working herself up for when it’ll be her turn to speak again. The butterflies from earlier return to sit at the bottom of her stomach. The discomfort almost feels like when she’s had a bit much to drink, but she stuck to soft drink tonight.

‘Anyway,’ xe says. Here comes the opening Maddie has been waiting for. Her face can’t seem to decide on what it wants to do, whether to beam or crumple up. She is hyperaware of the way her lips are stretching around her mouth. ‘Enough about that – tell me about the party! Any highlights?’

Already knowing she’s going to tell xem everything, Maddie tries for something coy. ‘You could say that.’

River takes a moment to glance at her. ‘Dude! Come on, don’t leave me hanging.’

‘I kissed someone!’ The pressure in her gut collapses in on itself as soon as she says the words out loud, excitement and embarrassment and an inexplicable dread mingling together. Maddie grins even as her throat starts to close, and she waggles her eyebrows playfully at River before dissolving into tears.

Xe lets out a wordless noise of alarm and pulls over in front of a random house. River takes xyr seatbelt off and twists in xyr seat to face her.

‘Maddie, are you okay?’

‘Sorry, sorry!’ She gives xem a wobbly smile. ‘I promise I’m fine. I don’t even know why I’m crying. This is so silly.’

‘Oh, Maddie.’

River sits quietly while she collects herself. The crying slows and she manages to suck in a deep breath with only a few hitches. The automatic light that turned on when River stopped the car fades out, leaving only the glow of a nearby streetlight. Maddie’s face is hot and tacky with sweat, tears and snot smeared over her make-up. Her hands are wet and streaked with glitter and mascara.

‘I’m fine,’ she repeats. ‘I dunno, I just – I feel ridiculous. Because I went to a party and I wanted to have fun with my friends – maybe even meet someone and do things that young people do, you know? And I did! I had a good time and I kissed someone! And it was kind of awkward, but he was really nice even though I was super awkward, and now I feel like I’m freaking out for no reason.’

River frowns. ‘I don’t think it’s silly, and it’s definitely not for no reason. I mean, this was your first time kissing someone – that can be overwhelming.’

‘I guess.’

‘Did he …’ Xe bites xyr lip. ‘I know you said he was nice, but did he make you uncomfortable at all?’

‘No! Nothing like that. He was very good about asking for consent and, like, not touching me weirdly or being creepy or anything. He was really just …’ Maddie tries to think of any other way to describe Nick. ‘… nice. So, no, it wasn’t that, but I think I felt weird anyway.’

‘Okay, good. That’s good. I’m glad.’

They both go quiet. Maddie wonders if the same thought has also occurred to xem, the question that has wriggled at the base of her skull since high school. The question that is her plus one to every party, where she idly hopes she might find some clarity. The question of her maybe-queerness, the unknowable shape of it. She tips her head back against the headrest and stares down her nose at the P plate hanging limp and unmoving in front of her. Maddie wishes someone could give her all the answers and tell her exactly why she feels things the way she does. She wishes this were easier.

River’s voice is tentative when xe speaks again. ‘I know you’ve been questioning things for a while. Do you think this might mean you’re not attracted to men? Assuming this someone is a man, I mean.’

‘That’s the thing, though!’ Maddie surges forward, and the seatbelt she left on follows the movement. ‘Like, sure, it’s pretty clear to me now that I didn’t really like kissing Nick. Great. But was that because I didn’t like kissing him specifically? Because he’s a “him”? Because he’s literally any person? I just – Fuck.’ She sags back into the car seat and rolls her head to face River. ‘I don’t understand how you’re supposed to tell. If I was queer, wouldn’t I know by now?’

‘Maybe? But everyone goes through this stuff differently. I figured out a lot as a kid, and some other people don’t until much later. That doesn’t make me more queer than them, just different. Whatever you’re feeling or experiencing is totally valid.’

Maddie knows that, intellectually. But she has spent years stuck teetering on the precipice of something and right now she feels completely done. Nothing about this is fair – not the breakdown she’s having after a perfectly nice night, not the hours she’s spent reading lists upon lists of queer identities that don’t quite resonate with her, not the stress from constantly analysing and second-guessing herself without being any closer to answers. Maddie is sick of hearing that her experience is valid.

She scoffs, her shoulders stiff near her chin. ‘That’s easy for you to say. You’ve known for so long and it’s been so simple, and you don’t fucking get it.’

She has a second to revel in River’s surprise before the guilt and regret take root. Xyr eyes narrow. ‘Then why do you keep talking to me about it all the time? If it’s such a pain to be reassured by me every time you’re feeling insecure or confused or embarrassed? I don’t have to be here, you know!’

Neither of them moves for a long moment. Maddie turns her head away and tries really hard not to cry again. She can just make out a skinny tree on the nature strip beside them, fuzzy from the darkness and her unshed tears. Fuck this whole stupid night.

If she takes too long to say something, Maddie worries River will start driving again and they won’t address this until later. She wrestles with the childish impulse to not be the first one to back down and apologise – she isn’t being fair. Maddie takes a deep breath and focuses on the window behind xem.

‘I’m sorry,’ she says, tugging the seatbelt strap up and down in her lap. ‘I shouldn’t have said that. I really do appreciate you talking about all this stuff with me. Not just the queer stuff, though that’s great. Like, everything. I’m sorry if I made you feel like my therapist. You can tell me if you want to stop.’

Maddie sees River open xyr mouth and quickly continues. ‘Also, I didn’t – I know it wasn’t easy for you, coming out as non-binary. I know it’s not an excuse but … you’re my little sibling, and one of the coolest people I know. You’re sure about who you are and what that means for you. And I love that for you, but sometimes it’s just infuriating. Because here I am, trying so hard and wanting that so much too, and it feels like I’m never going to get any closer.’

It’s like she is trying to complete a jigsaw puzzle with no idea what the final picture could be and none of the pieces sticking together. She feels perpetually trapped in limbo, and apparently not even kissing someone she likes can clarify anything for her.

‘Anyway,’ Maddie says, dragging her eyes over to settle directly on River, ‘that’s a me problem and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. Especially when you were only trying to help.’

‘No, I’m sorry too,’ xe says. ‘I was also a bit of an arsehole. But thank you for saying that. We’re all good. And I don’t actually mind having these conversations with you. Um, sorry I can’t be more help.’

‘It’s okay. I mean, thanks, but I don’t talk to you because I think you can fix things. Or even because you’re queer. I talk to you because you’re my sibling, and I like you, and I care about what you think.’ She hesitates before quietly adding, ‘You make me feel like my feelings aren’t silly.’

‘Aw …’ River tears up a little xyrself and reaches out a hand to hold hers awkwardly over the handbrake. ‘I love you too.’

They sit together like that until the position gets too uncomfortable and they slowly let go. Maddie slumps in her seat, closing her eyes briefly. She can’t wait to be home. River buckles xyr seatbelt and turns the car back on, but xe doesn’t start driving yet.

‘Are you okay?’

Maddie lets out a big breath. ‘I’m okay.’

‘Hey, look. I don’t know if it’ll help to hear this, so feel free to tell me to shut up and I’ll drop it. But I’m being completely genuine when I say there’s no expectations about any of this. From anyone.’

‘Yeah, thank you. I get that I can not know, or take my time, or change my mind. I’m just tired – I don’t even care if I’m queer or not, I’d just like to know. But it seems like answers aren’t going to magically fall into my lap anytime soon, so, whatever. It’s whatever. I’ll live.’ Maddie gives xem a smile and mostly means it. Maybe things won’t feel so big in the morning.

River takes this in then looks at her solemnly. ‘That sucks, dude.’ It surprises an incredulous laugh out of her. ‘I’m serious!’ xe insists.

Maddie still feels exhausted, and sensitive, and sticky, but her smile widens and she nods at xem. ‘Hey, River? If I ever figure this out, you’ll be the first to know.’